I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
