you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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