Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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