At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
