You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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