it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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