Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
