I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I lost the right to judge tonight
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
