She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
