sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
