My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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