Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
