you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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