I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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