at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
accomplished twins. life is a go
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
