I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
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I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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