I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
