nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
