Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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