last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
