I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
