Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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