I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
