we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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