Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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