ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
