My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
