Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Never joke about your clitoris.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
