that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
