Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
