that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
