it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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