If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
