I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
