you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
