My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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