So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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