that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
