i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
