i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
