I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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