how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
