i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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