Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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