i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
