if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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