The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
