i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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