11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
