Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Still dying that you shit outside
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
