Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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