the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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