Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
