I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
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