allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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