I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize