i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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