Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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