I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
