I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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